So originally I wasn’t going to post anything for the last week but of course God showed up more than I ever expected and raised up question after question about myself.
A poser
I’ve been called that all my days
My typical nickname
Following every step and phrase
Anything that receives praise
Laughter, stands out
My favorite phrase – “oh okay, yeah I get it”
Until I blend in, fit in, get boxed in, all a match, matchbox
Small sticks all aligned to match and not be out of place.
Shuffle it up and it’s still the same.
Set a lit it’s just a flame, and smoke
I inhale smoke
A cloud of personalities
And exhale perfection
A ring of fake me’s
Trying to appear together fit tight
To each eye and each sight
A mismatched mosaic when turned looks right
But what does that mean I am
Am I lost in a mosaic of shrouded colors
Lost in someone else’s shade
Or am I my own shape
Am I just trying to be great – fake
Like mindless machinery
More worried about how to please
Even when I have to give away parts of me
Adapting to be
Just what you want to see
Because I hurt and cry too
But not in front of you
Not when you do
Holding in struggles
Holding in pain
Holding in my voice
Because if it all comes out I’ll be…
A mess, worthless, useless
Drowning in hopelessness
Failed the test
No longer the best
So I people please
To fill up me
My ego
Made regal
Like I’m the only perfect being
Like I’m the king
Like God is at my feet
Like People on their knees
Like Everyone with begging pleas
Like I’m the one who can bear the cross and the pain and the sin and the shame
When there’s only one who can – who already did and lives – who has a name:
His name is Jesus
But the ruler of my kingdom is Aaron
It has been hard to see how I have been living in my own kingdom even in the past 7 weeks. From not being open and holding in things from the team, to not trusting God with my present and my future, to questioning my identity and competence with teaching my kids, to trying to create my own identity and my own righteousness and worth in worth and in others. God has been opening my eyes to the kingdom I set up for myself and it’s bigger and wider and deeper than I ever imagined. And more distant than I ever imagined from the real King and Kingdom.
So I pray that God keeps opening my eyes to the places in me that are still so distant from Him, that are still ruled by me. And I pray that my eyes are opened more to the places in the world, on campus, at home that are still ruled by another, by powers and principalities. I pray to see the brokenness. And I pray to give up that brokenness to Him – all that is in and around me. That I can see more of loving the kids this week when I left it up to God to do the teaching and guide their paths, that I can see more of loving others and loving myself in seeing what God sees, that I can experience and share more of the joy and hope found in this place.
Aaron Zhao is a student blogger from the Chicago Urban Program. Throughout the summer we’ll be posting blogs written by students on summer projects. These reflections were originally posted on the blog tofearlessaaron.wordpress.com. You can read Aaron's first post on the UP blog here.
